[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
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My zodiac sign is pistachio
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.