HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
You Might Also Like
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
She: I like Cats
He:
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year