Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
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When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I support this random dude and all his protests
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Chemical wingman
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
who wants to go expliring
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
<—- homeless romantic
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I’d love this…lol
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”