*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”