me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Does it…does it take 3 days
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.