Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Don鈥檛 take your kids to Disneyland when they鈥檙e under 4 years old cause they鈥檒l never remember it. Wait till they鈥檙e a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I鈥檓 in your fridge late at night like this!
Xylophonist Shredding It
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what鈥檚 better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I know this now 馃槀
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we鈥檙e running out of time
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Breaking news:
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.