Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.