Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
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My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.