Gross if literal…Liverpool
You Might Also Like
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless