English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
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i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
I hope they boil the right one.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph