If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
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Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Oh my god
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
“I FIXED IT!”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.