“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
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[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Great Canadian literature.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Skills