“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins