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Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.