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You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.