Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
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My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.