My body is a “wonder what happened” land
You Might Also Like
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Otters see a butterfly.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.