sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?