People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”