[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
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If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.