saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
The opposite of Iceland is water water
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
The news is so predictable nowadays
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
kids play hide and seek like
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes