Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
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8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Sticker placement is key.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive