*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I’m not wrong
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Name another movie that mislead you?
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”