[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
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I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
If you love someone, let them tweet.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.