MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing