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The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Ooops wrong house😂😜
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!