I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
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Pigeon open mic night.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Still cracks me up
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool