Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them