Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
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Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
At least he brought enough for everyone
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567