My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
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Me checking my bank balance online.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.