A man of commitment.
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I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any