700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*frowns in Scottish*
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Sorry not sorry.
Good point.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*