Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.