Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
You Might Also Like
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.