me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
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Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)