The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
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PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.