There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
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Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I need to get some bricks…
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Why soy sad?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room