ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
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I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Birds & Planes.