“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
You Might Also Like
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I have questions??
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
sigh
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly