me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
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boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
🤯🤯🤯
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.