.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
You Might Also Like
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties