Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
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I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
looks legit
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
this could fix me
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter