i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
uh oh
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough