My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
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My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Chicago sounds lovely.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones