*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Anyone really
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.