You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
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Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders