Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
You Might Also Like
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Meow?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West