[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.