[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
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The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh