I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
choose your gary
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.